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Thursday, April 28
torrents
feelings and
emotions /
better left upon
the shelf.
hahahahahahahaha.
do you know a bitter laugh when you see one? its staring you right in the face. bitter? why? because everything is so ironically screwed up. why do you love me / its driving me crazy. that phrase suddenly brings out all i've been feeling today. not because it applies to me, because frankly no one loves me. no, it applies to someone i've loved. somehow i think that was how he felt, for awhile at least. until i drove you crazy. really. i wonder, i have this tendency to over-react when i don't get responses. you should know. unsure about being unsure. afraid of being afraid. and that's how i am all over again. and you know, i think something's screwed up, but i can't be sure. i would ask you for help, but its all so weird. its like the same story, just different people playing different roles. and from another character's point of view, i see my own story played out. kinda. i guess this one's going better than mine. shrugs. why do i care? why the hell do i care. there are some things i really need to know, but too afraid to ask. when will this waiting end? or maybe, when will it start?
i wanna leave, and fly away.
to a place where blind men see.
i wanna stand with you on a mountain,
i wanna bathe with you in the sea.
i wanna be with you,
if only for tonight.
i wanna know what goes on inside,
if it burns for me,
if i should put up a fight.
clouds
v1.1
/clouds.
she stared down
from above
and saw the world,
lacking in love.
she reached out
but to grab a star,
but she slipped
and drifted too far.
she glided past,
and began to climb
the castle in the clouds
with no regard for time.
she looked back
only to find
the trail that she blazed,
was all in her mind.
she crumbled in,
as she fell tumbling,
and all that was left
was her
head in the clouds.
and i fell
hey,
i do hope you're fine
cause my world crumbles
when i think otherwise
i think we're close
just at the line
but then i can't be sure
these are crazy times
i like to make believe
cause maybe i don't like
not knowing when
i'm gonna fall
or when you're gonna call
i guess sooner or later
i'll have to wonder
and then perhaps i'll know
how suddenly
i fell into you.
as they go by
hmm,
its time for another list.
things
cheryl
has to do:
1 / SAT registration!
2 / national econs essay qn (which i dunno what the qn is)
3 / gp enrichment thing (if i even wanna go)
4 / econs quiz thingy
5 / do phy test
6 / return library book (30th april)
7 / write a poem and enter the contest (if i;m so inspired)
8 / pray we get into 4 by 100 finals!
9 / pray my knee gets less pain
10 / pray
11 / study for math test
12 / start studying harder (cos midyears are in like 8weeks man)
13 / get a grip.
btw,
tini and my-2-nice-juniors
from tee19,
nice run today (:
blaze
and she knew
as the flames
licked her feet
that he was near
he,
would never let her
down.
but she waited
and the fire burned
her rags were charred
he was coming
he,
would never let her
ruin.
still she clung
against the fiery edge
smoke glazed the eye
she held on
he,
would never let her
burn.
*blaze/
screwed up
so many things,
so little time,
so much lost,
all left to die.
argh,
damn stressed.
yeah, me, stressed.
over S paper stuffs, over normal work, over me not studying enough, over some weird dream about someone i just had, over someone else, over my msn 7.0 not working, over not being to BAY for so long, over not doing regular QT, over judo, over my knee, over training harder, over telling fact from fake, over so much.
i feel i'm falling,
falling from grace.
i;ve got so much to do,
yet i can't find my place.
can my heart
be at rest just for once, please?
msn 7.0
msn 7.0 rocks!
hahahaha.
okay i'm slow la huh.
but it still rocks!
been playing with it the whole night.
NUDGE NUDGE.
X)
you and i
you and i ;
we've been thru this much.
officially, there is nothing.
but emotionally,
there is enough to scar for life.
funny,
to the world, we are strangers.
we walk by without a second glance.
but you know there was much more
than that.
fly by
i could sit at my window
and watch the clouds
fly by
swing swing,
swing life away.
exit the tension
enter the trepidation.
and watch as memories
fly by
strike strike,
dare you to move.
then i watch as you leave
i shatter as you turn around
and say,
i've got to fly,
bye.
i have issues
i have issues!
so many issues to talk about these days.
well, here i go.
1
the casino issue.
to be honest, my views won't be astoundingly different from what has already been debated, but here is my stand. firstly, mr LKY is all for it. i cite his reasons - not to lose out to our neighbouring countries. in other words, money money. on a slightly off note, i realised i used to be rather proud of Singapore, because i always thought we had a good balance between economic and moral priorities. however if you think about it, there are many things that we do in Singapore that make me think twice. like having gay parties in sentosa, like going ahead with genetic engineering, like this casino thingy here. i mean, they're pretty obvious signs to show which direction we're heading, and to me it doesn't look good. we may be rich, but can we be proud of ourselves? but back to the issue here. casino or not? to be honest, gambling addicts do not appear overnight. those that are have defintely made frequent visits to genting or LV, and i mean, why not just reap in the economic benefits of their loose spending? the problem, however, with this whole casino opening, is that it allows easier - much easier - access to one of humankind's worst vices. if i were a total pessimist, i could go on and on about the social detriments that the casino would bring about. gambling in itself is dangerous, because it could lead to people being desperate for money. and THAT is damn dangerous. it could either lead to higher crime rate, or more people getting drunk - which can lead to more drinkanddrive accidents or spousal/child abuse. and these children, being abused, could grow up to be robbers or murderers. and they would rob or kill those idiotic gamblers from the casino who have money. okay if this were a GP essay i would fail (or as fernandez would say, a simplistic view). but you get my point. its just sad that whenever Singapore has to choose between the society and the economy, it usually favours the latter. in the end, we;re gonna be rich, filthy rich.
2
stoopid cj system.
okay, warning, biased view right here.
hahah. yeah, they went around catching girls for short skirts, mainly. which was damn lame la. growl. i mean, LOOK just LOOK at the other jcs. so they say that short skirts are not favourable, because.. because what? they'll distract guys? come on. if a girl is hot, she's hot. screw the short skirt. so i mean, you are not gonna stop guys from looking at girls just because you make them wear their skirts at their knees, you know? what pisses me off is that there is no point behind most of the rules. and i hate rules with no point. let me explain. for example, the no-handphone-except-in-restricted-areas rule. now this was set up because they don't want students to use the phone during lessons and lectures. so why not just catch ppl if they're using it during lessons and lectures? where's the crime in using it when i'm walking up the staircase? i don't believe you're concerned that i'll trip and fall. pointless. sometimes people enforce rules without seeing the point. if you think that forcing people to lengthen skirts has any benefits at all, i would like to know. as far as i can see, you're doing it just cos it pleases you. long skirts befit tradition? well, what about the new age, the creative expression, the adapting to change? surely the school need not always oppose trends? i mean, ankle socks worked out pretty well didn't they, after you realised there's really nothing wrong with looking nice and adhereing to the rules at the same time? and by the way, my definition of short skirt is really not very short. by short i mean what YOU define as short, which is really not short at all. so well, think about it, you goondoos.
3
the pope's passing.
yes, he was a great man.
but still, he was a man.
i find it unsettling when he is addressed as Your Holiness. who, really, deserves to be called that? but still, yes, he was a great man. although, maybe, a little commercialised. ah, the wonders of the media. tsk.
hai
when someone doesn't reply your msges it probably is a negative sign, no? sigh. i guess so. but i'm confused. red, green, red, green. stop, go, stop, go. whaaaat?? i totally don't get it. and more likely i'm just thinking too much, as i always do. been waiting and waiting the whole night. the whole week. for.. err.. what? i'm not really sure. and sorry i sound like i'm rambling nonsense, i am actually. don't read this, i just need to let it out. so.. waiting waiting waiting. it sucks, it really does. and i don't know what to think or to feel. and i don't even have the right to get mad. so the madness channels itself into paranoia. oh shiat.. i really am turning into a freak. firstly, let me ask you this. how can one truly forget someone? i say i have, and i probably have, but still this little thread of feelings surface sometimes - just sometimes - but i just push them right under the carpet, because its safer that way. and if i really have, why can't i bear to do away with all those physical evidence, so to speak, of the past? i mean, not like there was much of it, but you know what i mean. but all in all i think that chapter of my life is more or less done. or at least i hope so. umm, at least i think i hope so. cos sometimes i catch myself glancing that way for no reason, or seemingly no reason. now don't freak out. its not gonna start over, i won't let it. i'm just worried that even the tiniest suppressed feelings may surface someday. and then what'll i do, i don't know. right now, i have new problems, so to speak. well, not problems per se - because i think i might have conjured it all - but still confusing and a little disturbing. you know, using someone to forget someone else is really not the way to go. and it's not the way i'll go. so to comfort myself, i shall say that i am fine the way i am. and i don't need anyone now. nope. i don't. hah. why can't life love be simple just for once?
i'm sure you didn't read all that, and even if you did it wouldn;t make sense. haha. fine with me. tune in for the next episode, and be prepared for an exciting issue of me blasting the CJ rules system with no regard for consequences. if i feel like it. until then, live and love, people! (what the hell, that just came out of nowhere)
PW
hahah,
FINALLY it all paid off.
that idiot jerome got band ONE
despite the fact that, err,
well only because of the fact that he had THE JEROME SHOW and well he's a good oral presenter. haha. dammit.
okay lah, i'm pretty glad cos at least the rest of us got 2 - and the only 1 came from our group. HMMM. conclusion - if u wanna do well, u better be a good speaker.
i screwed up the oral part so i guess a 2 is fine :)
STOOPID JEROME.
hahah.
oh wells.
i think cj did much better this year for PW, cos last year i saw the list and it was like 90% band 3 and the rest band 2. with a few 1's scattered here and there.
yeahh.
i think a 1 would have been nice,
but then. haha. ok stop grappling over it.
TWO is good. ta.
to jerms tini clar and tim - YAY we did it :)
HAHAHAHA ok im kidding jerome.
WOOOOOOSH --- !
bu zhi dao
*
.
how far can birds go,
and where do dandelion seeds fly?
what exactly is going on,
and can i see what;s inside?
cos i'm hanging on the edge here,
and it doesn't feel quite right -
there's still this fear,
and i don;t wanna be hurt
again tonight.
reminiscent
reminiscence.
flashback.
hindsight.
past.
history.
retrospect.
revive.
recover.
life is wrought
with troubles and strife
yet all have brought
the very meaning to life.
love is deep
yet senseless and feared
round corners it creeps
many for it has teared.
past is filled
with memories i hold
joy is killed
but still hearts unfold.
freedom is viewed
through the eyes
of the few
who can rules despise.
fear is silent
until the final scream
it is defiant
yet merely a dream.
she is afraid
of living the past
of love, of freedom,
of joy that didn't last.
kiss me krazy
kiss
krazy
kustard
koinonia
koffeeshop
killer
kool
karefree
konstantine
kandy-
kane.
leaders' retreat
okay,
off to coasta sands
leaders' retreat.
think i need it.
feel a bit..
out of touch with everything.
hmm :)
k see yas.
so what?
take my photo off the wall
if it just won't sing for you.
cos all that's left has gone away
and there's nothing there
for you to prove.
made a fool
of everyone.
it seems like such fun
until you lose what
you have won.
what should i do
well, you choose.
oh, look what you've done.
reading signals
note to self :
never ever read old messages
when you're trying to forget
you've just forgotten someone.
note to self 2 :
don't try reading his actions.
you're bad at it.
cheryl's day out
good morning.
i'm feel extremely dizzy now.
lying with my head on the table,
while kwee is having NE lesson about dealing with conflicts. hey, i'm a fox. i compromise. yes, CHERYL FOX. (thanks jerome). dizzy. dizzy. there're only two turtles in the class. chip and kwee. tells you something aye? haha.
econs tutorial next. kwee again.
kinda feel like going home now,
but as the lesson goes on surprisingly i feel abit better and decide not to go home. one little thing that's bothering me, (besides the fact that i don't get one MCQ question), is that i have to go for detention cos i didn't have an MC for yesterday. shiat. but i'll save that for later. too dizzy now.
well we're packing our bags now,
pretending we can go home at 9.30am! yeah right. eocns lect, phy prac, math lect.
well, not bad la.
we're having a fun time at phy prac, mr tay is showing us cool and dangerous stuff. ooh yeah, this stuff can stun you. yes, you, anyone of you. feeling sleepy / dizzy. not sure which one. cos everyone else is sleepy too.
good afternoon!
we're in town now.
me, clar, tini, many, elisa, black, vig, sf, joshua and kwee. kwee is trying to pretend he doesn't know us. haha. doing a bad job. we go to buy ticks for spongebob. convince kwee to buy us famous amos cookies, and it works! yumm. double choc chip with pecan.
munch munch.
walk walk walk.
laugh laugh at the movie.
which is damn damn stuupid by the way. (but then what can you expect, it IS spongebob. funny, anyhow.)
go to foodcourt,
share red ruby with elisa. quite yummy.
talk cock.
LAUGH LAUGH.
i'm laughing so much i get dizzy again. hahaha. its okay, i'm having fun anyway. me and tini read the newspaper and think that the recent death of the Pope sounds suspiciously like the beginning of a Dan Brown novel, and our imaginative minds get to work. ooh.
finally we stop laughing
(mind you, we were making a hell lot of noise, even the cleaner walked past us and went 'tsk tsk'.) think we made even more noise after that.
but anyhow.
we disperse.
going up the escalator, i look up and see some people in cj uniform. and hey guess who's there. well, don't guess. doesn't matter.
good evening.
after that i'm meeting someone for awhile.
since he's in town.
walk in the rain from cine to taka,
and then we walk around in taka / wisma again.
shan is right,
i am damn bad at directions.
hmmm.
i think we need someplace else to walk.
or at least, i need to bring money next time we walk, so i can at least be interested in the stuff in the stores. however, most of the stuff in wisma is too expensive for me anyway.
so anyway,
mr. jaack has to go off,
so, well, he goes off.
i had fun. :)
and i find my way to the bus stop and come home.
thank goodness i've got a seat.
the guy beside me is wearing a pink shirt, but he doesn't look half bad in it.
halfway thru he asks me if this bus goes to tpy.
i say, half-awake, "uhh.. yeaah. next stop."
okay that was totally out of point.
but really,
the shirt was nice.
me,
now that my day is almost over,
shall go have my dinner now.
and study after that.
yes,
meet the new
slacker mugger princess.
pleasure.
:)
good day.
kfcancer
http://www.keralanext.com/news/indexread.asp?id=155838
don't know about you,
but this is gonna stop me from eating KFC for awhile.
hahaa. i'm sick of fast food.
that's gonna take on a whole new meaning aye?
Kentucky Fried Cancer, anyone?
ever felt..
ever felt
a rush of feelings
all at once?
ever felt
like you're in between,
like you don't know if you should move forward, or if you're just going the wrong way?
like you can't go into the future, without leaving behind the past?
ever felt
like someone is sending you conflicting signals all the time?
like you really can't tell if its all a lie?
like you wanna love someone but you don't know how?
ever felt
so free and yet not wanting to be?
so relieved and yet regretful at the same time?
so horrible because you're suppressing something you just don't wanna feel?
ever felt
like me?
age groups.
lost,
yeah lost.
one bout only.
bah.
and its all totally my fault. dunno what the hell i was doing. never enter, never counter, never block throw. didn't even resist when she threw me. so weird. hais.
anyway.
i'm okay lah.
:)
congrats to elaine especially!
so proud of you :)
and sharon and shan,
nice throws also :)
5bronze
2gold.
not bad lah.
got hope got hope.
age groups
tmr's age groups.
scary man.
haiiii. elbows so pain.
SMELLY and BEEF -
bathing was sensational man.
hahaha i sound so whiny,
i'm sorry.
i'm just in pain.
heh.
okay,
feeling abit confused.
do i or do i not?
should i or should i not?
forgotten or not?
ready or not?
happy or not?
right or not?
heh.
me wonders.
happy - april fools
happy
april
fools!
its april,
im happy
and im a fool.
:)