Monday, January 31
but why
hai...
why me, of all people.
why this, of all circumstances.
i'm so sick of spiralling down.
funny how the only
relationship i've screwed up
is one that never really
happened at all.
and who do i have to blame
but myself, really.
10:30 PM
my immortal - evanescence
My immortal.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
``
ok, need to get into the mood for Rocka la. this song is like. killing my voice. in all honestly, i think it may suck cos of me. hrmps. sorry guys. but anyway, trying my best to rem the tune at least. then after reading the lyrics, realised how much they reflect what i feel. so there.. this pain is just too real.... ouch. (haha marcus)
7:29 PM
Sunday, January 30
yvonne's birthday!
my mei mei is 15 years old.
15!!! woah. so big. so old. still remember when she was in kindergarten in church, then i used to go fetch her from there. then i was, pri 2/3? yeah. and i was thinking.. woah, soon she'll be p1! and now.. she's like sec3. (i personally liked her more when she was young and dumb, but oh well. hahahha.) yeah. last time she couldn't read fast enough, so we couldn't watch chinese shows cos she dun understand much chi and she can't read the subtitles fast enough! lol. funny eh? and did u know when we were in UK my mom never let her crawl at all, cos she said the floor was dirty?? hahahah. imagine that. so she never really learnt to crawl. next time go test her ok? maybe she still can't. heheh. ok. enough about that. i just wanna say to my, *ahem* brother-in-law, better take care of her or i will throw you to india and beyond. hahaha. no la. you're too cute. if not i will take you for myself. kekeke. okok. love you, sister! muackies!
8:15 PM
Saturday, January 29
i cry
i should give up.
happy?
11:05 PM
ogoshi!?!
hmm. today went to see a chinese doctor for my knee. apparently i have an inflamed ligament. is that how you spell it? anyway yeah. he only touched my knee for 2s, told me what was wrong, and gave me the ointment + pills. lol. i can;t decide if he's pro or just a damn waste of time. i think the former, for now.
anyway that was why i went late for training. haha. suprised to see someone there. anyway the worst part was when they were doing ogoshi on the j1s. then both no gi, and if u know ogoshi.. well.. when the hand went around the waist.. -_- cannot take it. lol. #$%^@#. :)
umm. very very bored. wanna play randori, or something. zzzzz. its not that i'm a training freak or anything (far from it), im just so boredd!! so long never train. go training sit there watch people play. and then when i get bored.. watch someone else. not good.
anyway, went for this damn shiok BBQ at suntec just now. woot. the best part is, you choose the food (its a buffet - got lamb chops, pork ribs, dory fillets, mussels, squids, chicken wings etc.), and they cook it for you! shiok or not..... yum. ok, but quite full now.
tmr;s my sis' bday! wish her tmr la. and also jason's bday. hmm. happy birthday sweeties!
10:39 PM
Thursday, January 27
in my head.
you've been in my head the entire day. random thoughts of you just pop into my mind. memories - sigh - very tragic. nice haircut. chow.
10:35 PM
Wednesday, January 26
weird
oh well, you know.
better than nothing.
although i distinctly sensed hostility there. guess i can't blame ya.
on to other things,
`maths test tmr and my NM STILL SUCCKS!! alvin! help!
`mr wong let us try out for phy S. thank God.
`must study j1 work. realised i dun remember anything.
`poem writing competition? lol.
`do self-PT , esp now i can't train.
`buy my sister's present!!
`finish reading Genesis! arggh, i am so slow.
`try not to get caught by tan jek suan again. or im dead.
`try to get tan jek suan to forget my name.
`stop sleeping in class
`stop laughing at kwee / jerome (they alternate)
`practice for Rockafella?
`finish learning canon in D
`get my SS class to come this sat! although it just occured to me that i'm not going.
`try not to think about..
`him.
10:03 PM
Tuesday, January 25
hey, love.
hey, love.
i can't quite figure out what you are -
elusive piece of *@$%>!& ;
or the galvanizer of my life?
you two-faced Janus.
you sweet morning dew.
9:02 PM
Monday, January 24
gripes. sigh.
suddenly in a whiny mood /
feel like i have alot of things to gripe about.
i feel sad about dropping lit,
realised after looking at the book again that i kinda like it alot. sigh. why must i have to choose between my class and my subjects? i find that so unfair. and i wonder if i made the right choice. but i really like my classmates. hai. but i miss lit. and i wonder what it'll do for my future. who am i asking? God, maybe. God, is this what You want for me? i suppose you will lead me, whatever i do. heh. yay.
i saw someone 7 times today,
without even meaning to. and in close proximity.
omgggg.. who is doing this to me. its torture. i find that so unfair. most people would know its not me to like someone, so to speak, for this long. its madness. why can't i have what i want? does persistence not pay? i suppose not. on the contrary.. well. on the contrary.
i feel stupid. i can't qualify for math and physics S papers. should i go appeal? i really wanna take 2 S papers. i'm dumb. grrr. triple A? BAH. all nonsense.
i need to study more. and do everything else more.
got 3 tests this week, gotta catch up on j1 work, gotta learn numerical methods, gotta get my knee to heal, maybe see doctor, gotta practice for X-ctry, gotta get well to train for that SCARY judo comp, gotta buy my sister's present, gotta play starcraft, gotta write to my bruddy more, gotta write to EVERYONE more, gotta plan for BAY progs?, gotta do, gotta do, gotta learn to forget things..
and haha, after thinking about it, plus everyone's very nice encouragement, i don't hate myself that much anymore. i am who i am. (ok that sounds like what God said) but yea. i am. =) rock on. haha.
i am a screwed up girl.
hahahaha. love me?
7:41 PM
Sunday, January 23
feelings.
there's just no rhyme or reason;
only a sense of completion -
look in your eyes,
i see my future in an instant
and there it goes
i think i've found my way home
i know that it might sound
more than a little
crazy but i believe
i knew i loved you before i met you
i think i dreamed you into life
i knew i loved you before i met you
i have been waiting all my life.
5:53 PM
Saturday, January 22
living this lie.
am i really that magnanimous,
that i am willing to live like this?
right now, it sucks.
i can;t cry hard enough
for you to hear me now.
1:19 AM
Friday, January 21
lol
haha gab is back! yeah he looks so un-gab like, i couldn't recognise him three times. but ok la, looks more gab with the contacts on. haha. he's still the same, except abit darker, and according to my dad, slimmer. but according to my sis, he's not. so yah, go figure. hahaha.
hmm. had worship retreat today. very helpful, thought-provking. worship should be my lifestyle. i think i should really try to live more like a christian during the week especially. that would include.. doing hw, studying harder, not skipping lects, not swearing, not gossiping etc. haha. try lah.
vday stuff is already beginning to sell. somehow i seem to be alone every vday. haha. i dunno. its just weird. but yah, sometimes im tempted to get a bf for the sake of getting one, to be loved in return for once, you know? but i just can't, sigh.
somehow began to realise that recently my so-called happiness has only been dependant on one person. kinda dangerous, no? especially if that one person tends to make you sad more often. can it be helped? i don't really know. that's just the way it is.
10:28 PM
my day again
today.
class.
GP lect freezing.
GP essay.
shufang took 3h.
watch soccer.
math.
ho came late again.
sick of integration.
mass PE.
slack.
michael tan.
volleyball fun.
skip judo.
feel very bad.
huishan please dun kill me.
talked to alvin.
nice.
cine to have dinner.
phins steakhouse.
lamb chops.
rock.
movie elektra.
kicks abit of ass.
12am home.
bathed.
online.
zhao/shao's friend talking to me.
weird.
lol.
nights.
1:53 AM
Tuesday, January 18
be with me
*
it was a rainy day
when we first met
sure was no Romeo and Juliet
but give me a chance to live again
and i'd fall in love
just like i did that night
`
you always said
things would work out fine
with your crazy thoughts
and my stubborn mind
but now you're gone
and i can;t find
the words to show
how much i mind
`
will you be my rain
when the sun goes down
and be my wings when
i hit the ground
i'll be your eyes
just to make you see
that maybe you were meant
to be with me
`
.
.
.
.
something i wrote in 2003.
hahaha. dug it outta my drawer.
seemed kinda, appropriate.
11:05 PM
Monday, January 17
only one.
Only One // Yellowcard
Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason
I feel so broken up
And I give up
I just want to tell you so you know
Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one
that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
And something's breaking up
I feel like giving up
I won't walk out until you know
Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one
who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one
Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone
Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go,
there's just no one,
no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only,
my only one
`
10:16 PM
continued!
well, ok, decided to delete the previous post, since it has apparently caused some unhappiness. which is kinda dumb, really, considering it IS my blog after all. but oh well. that's not the way i wanna go about doing it anyway. something to think about, for those who read it.
on a lighter note,
the shufang saga ensues!
haha.
because guess what?
it turns out josh's sis' bf is NOT lincoln.
his name is lionel. and she forgot his name.
haha. hahahah. quite funny ah.
so in the end, the heartache for nothing!
but it's a rather hilarious story,
if u think about it!
haha. okie cheers.
at least she can remove the "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" from one of her catchphrases!
and oh yes,
very happy for u josh. :)
and speaking of lionel,
lionel lewis is really cool!
(and he happens to be lydia's bro)
haha. bet some people want autographs.
i know my bruddy does.
yeah, anyway congrats to ze Lions for the Tiger win. (LOL)
found it kinda sad that Singaporeans only cheer and fill the stadium and watch the match only when there's a chance of winning. if not we'll be going "aiyah, S'pore CMI one lah."
so sad. its like, a warped version of the U.S justice system - 'Innocent until proven guilty' - only this is like - 'Lousy until proven worthy'. sigh. oh well. at least they have proven that :)
we were discussing in class how ONLY Asian football can have:
1) 10,000 yellow cards in one game
2) water bottles being thrown at heads
3) the SUBSTITUTE getting a red card for throwing a water bottle at someone;s head
4) some idiot getting a red card for being mad about someone else getting a red card
5) REFREEE KAYUUU!
yeah lor.
but that's where the entertainment lies yah?
haha. i mean, they didn't have bullfights for nothing in de olde days. and there's a reason why WWE, uh, Rocks.
10:03 PM
Saturday, January 15
the replacement?
wonder how long
i can actually use others
to fill the emptiness
you left behind.
wonder how long
i can actually supress
the fact that
i miss you all the time.
wonder how long
it will take for me
to leave these thoughts
behind.
`
9:34 PM
hahahahha!!
hahahhahahaha. i just saw a damn lame thing on friendster. some account called yandaos or somethin'.
_/\_>."< ~~> goOd loOkinG
_/\_>."< ~~> NatuRal sMilE oR inNoCent lOoKing
_/\_>."< ~~> cuTE looking
_/\_>."< ~~> raNkinG iS C
[ [ Singapore_dudes@hotmail.com ] ]
*we are looking at ur primary photo onli..if u r nt happi wif the grade..change a primary photo den drop us a msg say u wanna hv a re-grade..*
like omg. what the hell??!?!
hahaha. i found it damn damn funny.
why not just put brad pitt's photo and get it over with.
no offense to anyone who signed up for the, err, grading, though.
lol. okok, i shall shut up.
i'd probably get an F or something.
but seriously! what in the world...........
oh well. i forgot. that's the world.
9:18 PM
Friday, January 14
friendster
lol, just wondering.. how did you get my email?
the very first msg ;
on Friendster.
make or break.
yea... haha... ok... catch u arnd then... message me anytime... add me on msn?
fly or die.
9:02 PM
its a small world..
it's a small world after all.
indeedy-doo.
what would you say if there was this guy that you thought was cute, just for example, lincoln luk, and you found out that he was actually your classmate's sister's boyfriend?
haha. wouldn't you just FREAK. i know i would.
fortunately we're not talking about me here, but you get the point.
sad sad world.
lol.
*on a side note,
i am missing someone very badly.
8:39 PM
Wednesday, January 12
out in the corner
i don't mind spending every
day,
out on your corner in the pouring
rain.
look for the girl with the
broken smile.
and she will be loved.
9:49 PM
Monday, January 10
hey!
hello blog-readers.
haha. sorry its been a boring period,
have no inspiration recently.
got lotsa things to write but don't feel like it.
haha.
anyway, its been rather boring.
just realised my year ahead is gonna be damn un-exciting.
heh. A's. ugh.
my day today:
PE - run continuous for 20min. i did 9rounds. not that good. think gotta train more. haha. cross ctry coming somemore. yeah. tiring la, today. sweaty like what.
break - saw someone from across the courtyard. i suppose u might say its no big deal. oh well. shrugs.
physics lect - sleeeep. sleeeeeepy. sleeeeeping. heh. yeah. almost the whole LT was dozing off, as far as i could see. even jean, president of student council. keke. well, i just mentioned that so i wouldn't seem so lazy.
maths S paper test - killer. i feel extremely dumb now, seriously. i couldn't do like more than 1/4 of the qns. sigh. yesh i am dumb. =/
105 - hahaha. went home with nick. he;s so damn entertaining la. hahah. even though he doesn't try to be. yeah, supposed to go his house play the super-duper fun playground (yesh, the one next to church) - but too tired la. haha. another day.
home - my daddy bought alot of stuff from ikea. (ie. floor mat, cloth clothes cupboards, shoe rack, meatballs and fried chicken wings.) haha. ffunky.
next door - my new neighbours. (the old ones shifted to aussie. kinda miss them) well my new neighbour is an S-league football player. Gonzalez? how do you spell that. heh. he's pretty kewl. has three kids, two little cute girls and really adorable baby boy. oooh :)
now - blogging.
recently - trying to be more happy, and not think about unhappy stuff. it is sorta working. haha. try to make me happy if u can okie? by that i mean by just sending me a msg or talking to me. hehe. cos when im left alone my mind goes mad again. thank you.
eye candy - woot. hehe.
God - gives me joy. :)
yesterday - msged gab, he says he's doing ok. haha. bruddy said he called. hmm. i sorta miss gab. heh.
tsunami - oh, i have tons of things to say on this. haha. but i'll save that for another time. but suddenly this word is the most popular search entry since paris hilton. lol.
9:32 PM
Saturday, January 8
bsb
back to your heart
-
it's not that I can't live without you
it's just that I don't even want to try
every night I dream about you
ever since the day we said goodbye
if I wasn't such a fool
right now I'd be holding you
there's nothin' that I wouldn't do
baby if I only knew
-
the words to say
the road to take
to find a way back to your heart
what can I do
to get to you
and find a way back to your heart
-
I don't know how it got so crazy
but I'll do anything to set things right
'cause your love is so amazing
baby you're the best thing in my life
let me prove my love is real
and make you feel the way I feel
I promise I would give the world
if only you would tell me
-
give me one more chance,
to give my love to you
'cause no one on this earth loves you like I do,
tell me
-
I'd turn back time
to make you mine
and find a way back to your heart
I beg and plead
fall to my knees
to find a way back to your heart
-
-
-
--~--
-
-
-
haha. this is such a freeking lame song.
by BSB. *gasp*
but in a sick, sadistic sorta way,
it kinda describes how i feel.
oh damn,
i'm living a sappy teenage love story.
9:26 PM
what the hell.
arrrrrrrrrghh.
what the hell is wrong with me.
i know i should try to forget.
i know there's no turning back.
i know someone hates me.
so why
WHY
can't i do just that?
8:19 PM
Friday, January 7
bad day
fuel//bad day.
had a bad day again
she said I would not understand
she left a note and said I'm sorry,
I had a bad day again.
spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
smeared the lipstick on her face.
slammed the door and said I'm sorry,
I had a bad day again.
and she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
she puts me up and puts me on
and had a bad day again
she said I would not understand
she left a note it said,
I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.
-- * --
i used to think i didn't have bad days.
but hey, maybe i do.
and maybe thats why i'm so f-ing annoying.
lol.
11:21 PM
Thursday, January 6
okayy
dear ______ ,
this is to let you know i'm gonna miss you! :)
haha. to anyone else this may be misunderstood, but i think you understand when i say i love you. its been ages since we've known each other, and i really thank God for giving me a friend like you - because you've always been there, through all the good and bad and exceptionally bad stuff i;ve been through. hahaha. the best thing is, you;re still here even though you know all the horrible stuff i've done.
i have no idea why, but i love being nice to you. haha. the things i have done for you.. well. you should know, although you don't admit it. heheh. but yeas, i enjoy it. you smile, i smile. that kinda thing. :P haha and although your letter-frequency is like not very high, knowing you, i'm damn thankful if i even get one. hahaha. at least you have feelings yah!
so this is it.
somehow not being able to send u an sms when im bored in school is weird. because u wont be bored in school too. you'll be somewhere else, doing other things. haha. you;ve grown up ;( and everything's going by so fast. but its all good, i guess :) except i am gonna miss studying with you and so on.
yeah, so once again, thank you very much for being all that you are to me :)
and take care of yourself, k? *and don't be so xiao qi anymore, k?* and remember what i told you, k? :P
*HUUUGGS*
love,
cheryl.
:)
9:49 PM
Sunday, January 2
FFFFFFFFF..
$%&^%@
9:48 PM
last day of hols
hmm, so there goes two months.
flew by like superman on steroids.
and tmr, JC2. haha.
it's gonna be an interesting year tho.
or three months, at least.
ha.
you drive me crazy.
8:31 PM
Saturday, January 1
true
i won't talk
i won't breathe
i won't move til you finally see
that you belong with me
you might think
i don't look
but deep inside
the corner of my mind
i'm attached to you
i'm weak
it's true
cos i'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cos my heart
keeps falling faster
i've waited all my life
to cross this line
to the only thing
that's true
so i will not hide
it's time to try
anything to be with you
all my life i've waited
this is true
you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk
into the room
i'm afraid to move
-- true // ryancabera .
10:21 PM
reflections
j a n u a r y 1 , 2 0 0 5.
like whoa, so fast la. damn. where did the year go?
oh wells. haha. i wanna thank especially all the new people i've met in CJ, you guys made this year special! shufang, marcus, josh, shaun, don, ex-t19, t19, judo ppl, and everyone else who doesn't fit into those categories. haha. if you fit into all three let me know, you'll get a prize. oh ya and huishan la. hahahha. as an afterthought. =X
aaaand also everyone in BAY, my bruddy, abby, glu-loo, alan, gab, and so on. i don;t know what i'd do without BAY. haha. awww. :) you guys are my anchor and i enjoy every moment with u.
oh yea, and my sis. hahaha. love you. :) of course and my mummy and daddy. who will probably not be reading this anyway. haha.
yali, khim, shifu. i miss u all!! ya, shifu, i forgive u for now. although i might not go out with u in a long while. yali - exccuuuuse me! how come i haven't seen u in such a loooong time?! bleah. miss u can. khim - i miss suanning you. meet me la.
umm, to you,
sorry for causing you so much trouble. i don;t think i regret knowing you. but maybe i regret saying no. haha. maybe. anyways, love.
ok actually i was trying to do a reflection on 2004, but ah, can;t really be bothered. actually, come to think of it, its not very easy to forget the old and embrace the new, just like that. jan1st is just another date, afterall. hahaha. okok i wont try to sound philosophical. i suck at it anyways.
happy new year, everyone.
9:44 PM
happy new year, 2005!
hey, its 2005!
haha.
and happy new year everyone!
just leave a tag and wish me or something,
so i know you;re here.
haha. just got back from kel's house.
rather uneventful,
the entire night, but at least i got my letter :)
heheh. best new year present. HAHAA.
*yes it is*
anyway, watched meet the fockers.
well, i booked in the morning for 2.50,
but i forgot must bring the credit card..
so like. we didn;t have seats.
so we just decided to queue..
even though they said there were only first row seats.
and by some stroke of luck,
we actually got LAST ROW seats for 3.25 time slot!
and this is amazing cos the queue was freeking long.
but yea =) the show's good.
abit, no, alot of sexual content though. lol.
hmm. anyways on a more critical note.
whats the deal with not telecasting the nation's countdown bcos of the tsunami? if u ask me, no link at all. oh, sorry, u can;t watch people celebrating, if you really want to, you have to go down there and partay yourself. anyway, i doubt it'll make much difference for the victims what we're watching on tv. if the producers really wanna do something, maybe they should give half of those goddamn 19 bucks to the tsunami victim effort. ok, but then again. new year, i shall shut up about all this. the death toll is around 120,000 if i;m not wrong. and that is like damn alot. its like.. all the JC students in singapore dying a 100 times over. okay, bad example, but you get what i mean. sigh. and by the way. i doubt the little red flowers in front of msn nicks help either. firstly, it doesnt do them any good. and secondly, it's a little ironic that while we sit in our aircon rooms in front of our computers, putting flowers in front of our nicks, people are losing their homes, family and lives.
seriously, in times like these, "moral support" is crap. just donate.
http://store.yahoo.com/redcross-donate/
haha.
enjoy the coming year.
chow.
1:16 AM
